“I will not fear. Fear is the mind killer. I will face my fear. I will let it pass through me. When the fear has gone, there shall be nothing. Only I will remain.”—Frank Herbert
Greetings fellow adventurers. I hope everything is well in everyone’s realm.
These posts will be getting shorter, as the days move forward (thank God, right? Whew!)
I’ve been experiencing an increased level of busy as of late. Jobby-job responsibilities have piled up, and my desk is a cluttered disaster. I took some time off, and a mere two days away from work, piled on more, and I fell behind. As a result, I’m playing catch-up this week.
I hate playing catch-up.
Then, throw in the novel(s) to the mix. Home stuff, and family time. Facebook journal entries. Errands, and daily chores. I make space for everything I can, within bite sized increments of allotted time chunks, but, the last two weeks have been a little aggressive. Even for me…
When things get aggressive, or anxiety and fear creeps in a little, I have to slow down a bit and re-center and ask myself where the fear and anxiety is coming from. Most times, writing in the Chronicles of Jere helps me find that equilibrium. Because, here, is the one place I can be myself. For the most part.
Fear is a bitch. A mind killer with a strength unmatched. A terrifying foe.
In life, I had always chosen to be afraid.
Of pretty much everything. Deep internal fears.
And, my fear demons were many; always hovering around me.
The following summary is a brief list of everything I’m “supposed” to be afraid of based exclusively on what I’m “told” I should be afraid of, or those things I should have once feared in my past: (Disclaimer. This is primarily subjective. Individual fears may vary person-to-person)
At one time I was terrified of: Asteroids, rogue meteor showers, black holes, acid rain, nuclear war, civil war, WWIII, lengthy blackouts, solar flares, food shortages, the depleting ozone layer, rising seas, ice storms, asymptomatic human beings, alien invasions, weapons of mass destruction, global cooling, global warming. Plagues and pandemics. Warring invaders from lands across the world. Deathly afraid of death itself. Pain.
A few moments along the journey, I was afraid at what I was capable of.
Fear of betrayal. Fear of never having the ability to trust again. Terrified to reach out and look for help, when I needed it the most. I was scared of most everything displayed on the news.
Now? Today? All that’s gone.
Quite freeing to say the least, and highly recommended, but it was not easy. A battle indeed.
I believe we all have a dream rattling around up there. A vision in our minds. It could be small. A single seed rooting, taking shape in the darkness within those far away recesses of the subconscious, waiting to be watered and exposed to the light. Some dreams may be grandiose, but ignored completely. Until I was able to combat my fears, show them who’s boss, was I able to truly pursue my dreams.
Fear, stifles the dream. Fear kills the light.
I had to stop being afraid of what I’m “told” I should be afraid of, and instead switch gears to the mentality of, “how to freely and happily exist in a world infested with a limitless supply of fear?”
I was cashing out at my supermarket, back in early August. I prefer the self-checkout. Always have. I can bag my groceries my way, at my speed, and I don’t have to listen to a couple of teenagers talking about their weekend plans.
I asked if I could come into the area and she waved me in saying, “come on in. Register 3 is open for you. Welcome to the petri dish!”
I chuckled and waved her off, “I’m not scared.” (hahahahahaha)
The guy at the register next to me, just like in some horror flick, right before the shit hits the fan, looks me dead in the eyes and says, “You should be.”
You should be….
My weapons of choice were not obvious to me at first, but when I found them, I knew what I had to do.
I had to destroy the mind killer. At all cost. I refuse to become like that gentleman at the grocery store. I refuse to be afraid. The only weapon I had that made any sense, was my innate ability to disconnect from the fear sources.
As of late, my opinions have been less than popular and I am well aware of it, and I’m OK with that. I sleep quite soundly at night, and I’m satisfied with my life decisions. No regrets.
I’m not one of the crowd. I have a difficult time with forced compliance. If I don’t believe in something, or if it doesn’t align with my way of thinking, I refuse to adopt it into my life, and I’ll face those possible repercussions if needed. So far, so good. Social shaming me, is water off a duck’s back. In one ear and out the other.
I don’t follow trends. I watch ZERO news. I haven’t watched TV in almost two years. I don’t read online articles, or the paper. I don’t follow the political arena, sports, or the infinite wisdom of our celebrities and popular personalities, or musicians. I know just enough to get me by, and I have friends, family, and co-workers who enjoy talking about current events, but I no longer voluntarily invest any of my personal time in any of that noise.
You’re supposed to pay attention. You need to stay informed.
Pay attention, to be misinformed. Got it.
I’ve found that the only true sources of fear, are all external. The external fear, creates the internal fear.
Different seeds were rooting, and getting all the attention and fear was the fertilizer. My nihilistic “nothing matters” way of thinking, was once the true essence of “me”.
All perpetrated by misplaced fear.
Of course, this is my journey and mine alone. What may be good for me, may not be acceptable for others. One should never listen to me or what I have to say. I can’t conquer anyone else’s fears. Only my own.
Well, enough of that. Time to move forward and quit the late night ramblings. I’m hoping to have good news in the next couple of weeks, and things may be moving fast after that. I believe that was the cause of the anxiety I was feeling over the weekend. When I really stop and think about what has transpired over the last six months, it can be a bit overwhelming, and nerve wracking sometimes. Throws me off balance if I dwell too long.
I just have to choose not to dwell.
I’ll post more updates as I have them available.
Thank you for reading and joining me on my journey. Please subscribe in the provided area to receive a notification of new posts by email or feel free to follow me on Twitter @jeremymorang, or follow along at my Facebook page to read up on a character’s journal entries. Please give this a like if you like it, share with others, or leave a comment if you wish. See you at the next one.