My wife laughs at me sometimes. I can’t say I blame her for giggling at my expense.
She’ll come down to my office space (still in construction) and there I am, pacing back and forth, chewing the side of my thumbnail, eyes frozen wide open, muttering, whispering, and having a conversation with a blank, white wall.
“Is everything OK?” She’ll ask from a distance, and approach me slowly.
“Hold on.” I’ll raise my finger, finish the math problem in my mind, and whisper something to the empty space to complete my thoughts.
Then, I’ll look her way, “I have to finish the reservation list and the arrival manifest. Only three more to account for and I have to move some things around. I’m still trying to figure out if the last one is worth three lavenders, or two silvers.”
At that point, she knows exactly what’s happening, and then proceeds to vacate the area and let me “do my thing”. She won’t even bother asking a follow up question. She knows me well enough now to understand the situation at hand, and what I’m dealing with.
I exist in two minds. I occupy this physical form, but I also reside far, far away in someone else’s brain, simultaneously. I know that sounds strange to some, but I also know it resonates with others.
Some time ago (2012), when the “stuff” hit the life fan, and then became a domino effect of hardship and misery, I made an agreement with myself. A sacred vow. My last resort.
Become the antithesis of everything I used to be.
The old way of life has led you here. You MUST become the opposite of everything that has brought you to this point.
Some habits die hard, but I was forced to radically alter my mental chemistry. It was a survival technique. When you hit the proverbial bottom, there’s no where else to go, but up. I had to find a way to climb out of the mess(es) I had created, and there was only one way to complete that task.
I had to fully adopt a new way of thinking.
Over time, a split was formed in my mind. I developed a second brain, and then, I started living in there.
It never became an issue. Never anything serious. Merely a safe coping mechanism. When working with imaginary characters every day, one has to develop multiple personalities.
And each individual character, saved my sanity. I relied on them. I had conversations in my mind with them. We argued, problem solved, debated, fought, laughed, cried, rejoiced… went to battle together.
And since the day of their creation, they’ve been a part of my psyche.
But, there’s one character that stands out above all the rest. She’s been a true challenge. A real tough cookie. She has a mind of her own, hates my suggestions, and ignores me when I ask her to do something important. She always turns left, when I say go right. Sleeps, when I need her awake. She wanders off, and disappears on her own secret agendas and forgets to tell me. I always have to hear about it after the fact. When I know she needs to take a break from the gambling, she plays the tables harder. I ask her to keep her voice down, and she yells and screams. I ask her not to curse, and she tells me to f**k off. When it’s time to ease back on the liquor, she buys a round for everyone in the bar. I can’t count how many times I’ve had to escort her to her quarters so she can sober up or pass out cold.
A real hard-ass. Difficult to control.
So, I stopped trying to control her.
Best decision I ever made.
She’s been attempting daily journal entries during the downtime. Her business is slow for the next couple of weeks, and she’s searching for her own coping mechanisms to make it through the lull. She thought writing about her day might help… Her short journal entries can be found at…
Hope to see you there 🙂
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